Last month I had the great privilege of officiating the marriage of my oldest daughter Nicole to her new husband James.  It was my first time officiating a marriage along with the pressure of it being the first of my children to marry.  I have to admit that I was a bit nervous.  Normally when I speak to any audience I use an outline and let the content come together as it will.  This time I decided that writing out the ceremony and reading would be a better course of action.  I took a great deal of time and effort to compose the content of the ceremony.  I wanted it to be just right.  Appropriate for them and their particular needs and also containing the gospel message as well as help for what is coming for them as a couple.  I’m very pleased with the final result of the message and I got very positive feedback from those in attendance.  A few people wanted copies of the message when it was over.  The experience is one of those good ones that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

As I thought through what I might say to the audience, parents, and bride and groom I was drawn by the biblical comparison of marriage here to our marriage to Christ.  Him being the bridegroom and us being the bride.  I’m sure many people have either heard or drawn the comparison as had I but this time it held a tighter grip on my thoughts than normal.  Often when I thought about this parallel I envisioned it in terms of the wedding.  A spotless bride all dressed in white, a celebration, a joyous event, etc.  I don’t recall ever really thinking through the work it takes to keep a marriage going in the context of my relationship with Christ.

I’ve been married twice.  The first one did not go so well and ended after 5 years.  It resulted in two beautiful children, one of which was the bride in the wedding that sparked this blog entry.  It also resulted in consequences that have lasted over 20 years.  It’s a reminder that sin, while forgiven, often has lasting effects that tarnish our life this side of eternity.  My second marriage has lasted almost 20 years and it has proved to be much better.  The most significant change factor that I can attribute to the failure of one and success of the other is Christ.  Christ was not present, or invited, in the first one but has been the center of the second one.  That has made a huge difference, but, that is not all it took.  It took and takes hard work.  Christ is the model, His word is the guide, His grace and mercy the fuel to keep going and the power of the Holy Spirit to train, teach, correct and reprove are essential elements.  We have to work to keep our marriage to our spouse strong and we have to work to keep our marriage to Christ strong.  Without work the model is pointless, the guide gathers dust, grace and mercy sit idle and the Holy Spirit is shushed or quenched.  If we are not willing work at them neither will last.

I know, I know, I can hear it already.  If I accepted Christ then I am saved no matter what!.  That is a true statement but so is this…no desire to work is evidence of no desire for Christ and no desire for Christ is evidence of non-belief.  Before you claim eternal security you should be sure of your salvation in the first place.  That is not a difficult task.  Open the pages of the New Testament and you will find the answer to your questions of belief.  In fact, the scripture says to test yourself and see if you are in the faith.  When I’m sure of my salvation then I’m sure of my eternal security.  You can’t have one without the other.  If you have the one you will have the other and it will by definition (see Phil 1:6) result in expended effort or “willing to work”.  Kind of a chicken and egg thing.

Marriage to a person this side of eternity is difficult because we are all fallen sinful beings and by our very nature we are selfish.  Being selfish means we will not always act in a manner that is in the best interest of the other person.  Christ on the other hand is perfect and without sin so everything that He does is in the best interest of his bride.  Just because it does not look, feel or taste like it’s best does not mean that it is not the best.  Do you remember when you were a child and your parents told you “no”?  That did not feel much like they cared or had your best interest in mind.  I would be willing to bet that most of the time your perception was not the case.  Because of their experience and wisdom they knew what you did not, namely what was good for you instead of what you wanted.  Christ operates exactly the same way only He never makes a mistake.  He will always act in a manner that is in the best interest of His bride.  Isn’t that a comforting thought?

In a marriage each person must learn to set aside themselves in favor of a united being.  Scripture calls this leaving and cleaving and becoming one flesh.  That statement is physical, emotional and spiritual.  To make things easier He gave us an instruction manual.  I often am amazed when I come across true believers that know very little about how to behave because they have not taken the time to read the manual.  Remember the VCR?  Is it still blinking 12:00?

Everything we need to live a biblically successful marriage is in the manual.  Notice I said biblically successful?  Worldly success and biblical success look radically different.  Lot’s of marriages might look good on the outside but beware of window dressing.  Remember the parable of the sower?  That third soil looks a lot like the real deal but it’s not.  Only the one that perseveres to the end and bears good fruit is the real deal.  Same with marriage.  Only ones that persevere to the end and bear good fruit are the real deal.  The real deal takes a lot of hard work.  There aren’t any days off, no vacations, no sick days no half hearted effort.  It takes plain work but, it’s worth the effort.  A good marriage is a sweet sweet thing.  It’s a shadow representation of the sweetness we will have with Christ when we enter into His presence.  You relationship with Christ this side of eternity can also be a sweet experience.  It takes work, that’s unavoidable, but it’s worth it.  It’s a lifelong study of the person you want to spend eternity with.  The closer I walk with Him on this side the sweeter the time will be when I’m on the other side.  Not just that but the closer I walk with Him on this side the better my relationship with my spouse and others will be.  If I can know more about Him and work hard at emulating Him I am assured of better relationships with my spouse and others.  Sure, there will be some that don’t like what they see in me, but a soft word will turn away wrath and at the very least it will prevent it from escalation.

Marriage in this life is a shadow and a promise.  It’s a glimpse into what will come in relationship with Jesus and a promise that things will be best then.  I for one am not willing to settle for an OK marriage, instead I’m going to work for a better one and rest in the promise of the best one to come.

James and Nicole, I’d wish you good luck in your new marriage but I know the truth; luck will not be enough, you are going to have to work at it.  Read the manual and put it into practice, offer grace and mercy to each other and most of all…die to self and give yourself to each other.  Mom and I will do our best to model for you something worth copying but it’s our wish that you surpass us and leave a greater legacy than we will.  God Bless you both.  Love Dad.